It’s Happy Time

I just wanted to share some happy thoughts. They come from the over-the-top well that just keeps giving.

First, the comforting “dark flow” recently discovered by NASA that originates from outside our observable universe, sucking whole clusters of galaxies into oblivion.

Next, the other dark flow, who similarly wants to be outside the observable and accountable when doling out $1 trillion dollars to his former company and their friends — a reward for taking our houses from us, and lending themselves too much money. Some know this force as Henry Paulson, former CEO of Goldman Sachs before he entered into “public service”. That’s some gooood servicing. I mean, in addition to that, the Wall Street firms gave tens of billions more in bonuses to themselves last year than the tens of billions they lost. That is one clever man.

But you know we all have secrets. Like, it might be embarrassing if you were one of these companies lining up for food stamps. Can you imagine? “Oh, Bank of America, what are you doing here?” “Oh, um, nothing. Just, um, thought they were selling tickets for the ballet.” I mean, let those companies keep some of their pride at least — don’t make Paulson tell on them. That needs to be at least as secret as Dick Cheney’s White House visitors log.  You can trust him with secrets. Unless you’re a CIA agent who pisses them off. You shouldn’t be mean to Dick, though. His heart’s broke.

Joseph Naccio was mean. A big mean CEO of Qwest. Can you believe that he refused to spy on us for Cheney and Bush? He pulled some legal bull crap like, oh, you need a court order. He deserves to be in jail now for insider trading. Mean guy.

I’m inspired, too, that we can’t afford to provide health insurance to children, as the President’s veto said. That gave us money enough so we could buy an 80% stake in the country’s largest insurance company for only double that amount of money. We never would have been able to afford to buy a that awesome insurance company if we did something stupid like give kids health insurance.

It makes me proud, as well, that we didn’t waste our money on fixing all the bridges, levies and roads in the country. You just work and pour cement, and then what? And good thing too we cut back on those dumb American’s ability to file bankruptcy. They’re like thieves. But we’re smarter. Because now we have money to buy up all those poor people’s mortgages, and save Wall Street. They just don’t get that it will trickle down like refreshing rain on them if they just would stop bitching.

But still, probably my happiest moments are realizing the great benefit of investing just a small extra trillion dollars to invade other countries and set up prisons around the world to torture people. That’s some awesome return on our investment. I mean, they might hurt us. And we’re worth it.

Now if we could just stop sending so much money to Universities where kids learn so many stupid ideas, and get them going to private, specialized technical schools instead. They’d be so much better positioned for work! Just look at Louisiana, with the school vouchers they get now instead of public education. It’s a great model. No bothersome traditional curriculum to cloud their minds. Plus, all those nasty, dirty, run-down housing projects gone, with funds to replace them with shiny new casinos and resorts. That’s what’ll really help people in the end. Honestly, I think Texas would be better served if we rebuilt there with a nice Disney western theme park to draw tourists in, than replacing all those useless houses and city infrastructures that cost so much money, and give nothing back.

Did you know that Paulson, the Goldman Sachs guy, who wants the $1 trillion to give away, actually helped create the market and business practices that led us here? Lots of people say we’re in a grim situation. But that guy’s a joker — they just don’t get it. He says he doesn’t know how this happened. What a kidder. He’s just messing with you.

I mean, look. Both Obama and McCain’s top advisors were instrumental in the same policies. How could you think that anything might be wrong with that, when they’re all still around? It’s just plain paranoia to think like that.

Oh, and that Pallin chick. She’s crazy. Gotta love her. That Kenyan spiritual leader, Thomas Muthee, praying over her, so she could be Alaska’s governor… all bold-like and stuff? Well, she’s in good company there, with him and God raising her up. That guy even hunts down witches, specially those that cause car crashes in villages. I bet that how she commanded the Alaska militia. How can you argue with someone that God talks to, though? Puuleeez. You’ll being finding your ass out there on the dark flow in no time.

And poor, sad Nader, off on the side being all drown out and unpopular, with nobody listening to his rambling and ranting about all this boring stuff like corporate dominance, 2-party system lockdowns, opening stuff up, workers unions, and blah blah blah…

I mean really, what we need to do is head to the bank. Withdraw our money, and wrap those little green papers into twirly bits, strip naked, and shove them in every orifice of our bodies. Light them on fire, screaming as you run the neighborhood, until you find some piece of metal fence or something you can just leap and impale yourself upon. I mean, just imagine! All that twitching going on at once, with the little smoke clouds over everyone. How can it not just make you smile?