i know being strong matters when you laugh at yourself saying what men say on TV and women do the things that women do on your own now building rooms your parent's strong floors more like firm elastic rubber than anything completely solid saying other words than TV words a weakness like thick walls supporting this house's weight exposed to the corrosive elements of wind, earth and sun i remember when you first emerged before you chose the land to own for your own soon erected edifice - you came to me and said i'm frightened something i did not know then: only i was in the fields, rolling long mounds of wind-blown grass as far as my eyes could see, and flowers, bees, clouds the night of a billion distant lights you were in the forest's dark thick columns like a maze untamed life invisibly wriggiling intricate ferns while nearly all trees and directions looked the same i may have failed you constrained by blinding optimism returning nothing but a hello my friend for such a heart-felt gift no, i know i failed you i see the strong with their chests puffed out purposefully moving from struggle to struggle while the road inside continues with little street signs popping up suddenly, startling with fear and retreat to the puffed up paths they continue forever on, moving so solidly... i spoke of absolution earlier - this is mine: despite everything that is or vastness has become you, just simply you (nothing else) are far more than i could ever know and this shattering terrifies me
i wish i could lie the way you need me i would turn dim gray so easily rich green the sounds of hammering on edges pulling always would but soothe lazy, greedy betrayals would be justified by the rights of greater good for my greater good is more than just me, like selflessness i wish i could lie the way you need i would build a perfect chair on a slightly higher ground well, ok, it would levitate each approach being my road to rule with silence or blessing my beneficence would spread eagerly gobbled by birdlings and the bloated faces of liars i would say: this is the way things are i wish i could lie the way you need floating selflessly if i could score my soul like a surgeon i would erect a granite fortress forged for containment, battles, thick lines towers as strong as flesh banners billowing above the visible fields below ripe in shining solidity the first herald arriving finding everything has vanished if i could lie the way you need me to i would cut out half my beating chest and leave it out for hungry worms happily pithing the parts of my mind so you can rest, easily within i would excise any facet placing weight on floating chairs i would even don the garments of hierophants to release you but i am too selfish for excuses it is a paradox of the pedantic that anything can be said yet even so, all things become us and if that does not suffice, let me say, whatever words might come, i truly wish sometimes i could shape all things to what you want to see instead of what you do just tell me, were i an actor speaking the words of a pleasing voice could i not lull you in to deeper sleep? and for this harder love, please forgive me
I understand you now: Earth moves and turns by the force of our hands all around is mine to choose and bend as i will even what is known within nothing springs forth that is not planted by my seed or another's and you will only see through who prevails no, forgive me, it is more: i plow over all things not fitting my course to achieve what i need without destroying anything really possibly pointless weeds primitive algae in the sea and what is plowed over by just the way things are, not wicked deeds done through caring protection for my family i never chose this some things are unplanted no, forgive me, it's not quite right, you see this -- this you will never see: sometimes doubts seep between deep iron spikes then God bends down to firm me my strength channeling his might set right what challenges mine and God's need for i know he created nothing larger than what sits neatly in rows rows in the fields i sew like grassy metal more than green spires at distances I imagine warm stone in every season you see? He moves, for me and why not? he said he would always be there this isn't me i just don't understand why he never speaks
seeing you stops my chest and like a photograph of your face writhed in physics i protect myself with sabotage scars gather moss branches torn by wind yet the soft whisker of your face on mine says home so unlike any fairy tale could mend a mother wraps the child's head in dreams singing far into tomorrow while behind our heads so much compels these dreams to artful law so i fix the the physics of your face in stone and fireworks and noise i remember patterns and salivating bells needs far greater than my own a great flight of pristine pain far into the morning she felt a bee buzz in her brain calling it love or family or need the great chutes of cathedrals spiking deep in the roots of trees a photograph of you held, in physics the machine of broken deeds all at once held now, cheek to cheek through leaves, moss smells, pine... sharp as winter's fallen leaves the dew mist upon your skin pierces impossibly keen through this sabotage how can i leave all in yet resist the clear destruction of my surrender?
how do i watch you run in great arcs proclaiming happiness? what disease moves you to leap high in imaginings sewing cloth from airy words the warm arms of panic how do i watch you run in great arcs telling me you hope i find happiness like yours from my pockets i find old tinsel shiney thin strands distorting all the images of people near they glimmer in a thousand lines each face in each dangling and glimmering in their happiness a breeze and the movement of chaos each reflection does a hula dance all the faces you have seen grin with true conviction such happiness you run with that great spanning arc of will severing to edges the unbound truth trying to grow within you why obsess when the price is right and little birds chirping for worms drop squarely to the large round world? how can i watch you run in great arcs proclaiming the silver of night is red? ii. dark gray clouds near black cracks high evergreens sunlit brightly the electrical release in atmosphere heads and hearts move like bees