NASA Begins File Sharing with Aliens
In an unprecedented move, NASA last night started file sharing music mp3’s with aliens. This opens up a whole new arena for the RIAA, the ravenous attack dogs of the music industry, to snatch money. The unsuspecting creatures living in the vicinity of Polaris may find themselves facing unrelenting lawsuits in the year 2440 if they are stupid enough to copy and distribute these tunes to each other. The NASA ploy appears to verify suspicions that NASA is really just a front for the music industry, and the latest in a series of strategies by the music industry to enslave all forms of expression on a larger scale.
“It doesn’t matter if they don’t know what the mp3 format is,” said an industry insider, “or even if they have ears or not. If we find that data stored and duplicated in anyway, their ass is ours, even if they don’t have one one of those either.”
And legal experts agree. “Whether an alien has ears or not is irrelevant when considering the protection of our artists under the law. They will need asses, however, if we are expected to do our job.”
Dennis Kucinich, speaking while channeling a future Polarian consciousness via UFO’s accidentally crashed, embedded and trapped within Dick Cheney’s cerebrum, presents an alternate viewpoint. “What does it mean, vibrating oxygen and nitrogen gas at varying frequencies? This is useless!”
Americans Turn to Mars for Internet Access
Frustrated by the widening gap between America’s Internet access speeds and the rest of the world, more and more Americans are looking to Mars help bring them up to speed.
“Yeah, dude,” said Covington cracker lxY. “We’re gonna be sneakin in a relay on that polar probe they’re sending. Then we can piggyback our net pipe on that data stream from the MRO probe orbiting Mars — and dude that’s like twice as fast as anything people have here.”
Contacts within the US Telecom industry remained silent when questioned why the data rates between Earth and Mars were significantly faster than the data rates offered to US households. But fearing a deeper inquiry, they eventually replied.
“Americans are the best, Americans expect the best, and we give it to them. But you can’t expect household data rates to compare with the speeds that a multi-billion dollar, government funded, hi-tech agency can achieve. It’s not like you expect your Toyota, no matter how good Toyotas are, to get you to work at 20,000 mph.”
When asked why Japan’s data speeds were roughly 20 times faster on average than our own, and why our speeds are slower than nearly all other industrialized countries, the industries frustrations finally became apparent.
“Look. We’re not made of money. If the government wants to give us billions like NASA, we’ll have those speeds in no time. But they won’t, and we can only do the best they can. If you all would get rid of that Net Neutrality crap and let us have control over what we have to give you, then maybe we could start seeing some progress. Imagine the high speed gratification you could have. Yeah, you’d like that. I thought so.”
In the meantime, NASA planners continue exploring possible methods on future manned missions to Mars, to recycle and utilize the biological material that results from truly blistering Internet speeds.
Study Finds Spam Beneficial
A recent scientific study completed by Rand and funded by the American Coalition for What We Need, suggests that spam is not such a bad thing after all, and that in fact, spam is likely beneficial.
One of the most surprising revelations is that your penis actually is too small. “I was surprised by this finding as well,” said Jessica Hardmen, the consultant enlisted for scientific oversight. “I guess you never really know what you’re missing,” she laughed. “But now I do.”
Nearly as surprising, the study indicates the truth behind our brain chemistry’s problem. “Oh yes,” said Hardmen, “almost everyone’s brain turns out to be a mess. You would think that your brain would be smarter than that, but it’s not. It’s a chemical horror story.”
It seems that spam actually reveals to us that there are many people out there, just like us, who need to be chemically re-balanced and sedated. “It’s a godsend,” she says, “and we really shouldn’t be annoyed by it. I mean, do you think you would be getting those drug messages if you didn’t need them? A lot of science goes into identifying the people who would benefit most. This spam isn’t trying to sell anything — it’s trying to help you.”
“And this leads straight into one of the biggest misconceptions people have about spam,” she continued. “How do they know? Well, we discovered that the many and seemingly randomly-worded messages you receive are actually hypnotic triggers that help you gain the courage to subconsciously write secret messages detailing your issues to the spam providers. It’s not like they have a camera under your desk measuring everyone’s penis size. You tell them yourself, in your own words. And that’s how we know how to help.”
“Oops, did I say we?” laughed Hardmen. “What I really meant was you and me.”
Bush Declares Laws of Physics do not Apply to the Executive Branch
Drawing cries of outrage from liberals and constitutional scholars, President Bush yesterday declared that none of the laws of physics applied to the Executive Branch. “He’s overstepped his bounds yet again,” said George Washington University Law Professor Martin Freeling. “This administration just doesn’t know when to stop.”
California Democratic Senator Diane Feinstein when asked about her position on the matter suggested that people were getting all worked up over nothing. “President Bush may enjoy pushing boundaries, but he’s not above the rule of law, nor the will of the American People. I see no reason for concern.”
Senator Olympia Snowe, a Republican, differs. “After his third veto of children’s health care (SCHIP), I didn’t think there was much concern when he said he was sick of being told to provide medical care to children without insurance, and that he was going to make sure the problem went away — and then 3.5 million children just vanish. That concerns me — and frankly, it’s a little unnerving.”
“Nonsense,” says Feinstein. “I don’t see the problem.”
Issues finally came to a head when House Speaker Nancy Pelosi authorized impeachment proceedings after all American bank accounts showed $10 balances, unless the original balance was greater than $10 million, and piles of children’s bones were discovered in Dick Cheney’s basement, after neighbors complained of an overwhelming stench. When questioned at the Congressional hearing, Cheney replied that he had grown tired of desert meat and was just putting to good use what would have otherwise been thrown away, further suggesting that was taking environmental issues more seriously. But Pelosi halted the hearings shortly after her hands turned into goat heads, claiming that it made using the gavel too difficult.
In an uncustomary appeal to the American public, President Bush today worked to smooth over controversy caused by what he called “irresponsible political tactics” and “threats to American security”.
“As the Leader of the Free World, America is strong when I am strong. And I am strong. And you are strong. Because I am strong. I think you know what I’m saying. The liberals just want to take your money, and spend it. I just want to spend it, but I won’t take any, because you only have ten dollars now, and you need it. That’s the kind of guy I am.”
“Like I’ve been telling you, and now you can see, this is why corporate military contractors are so important — America would be in a bad place right now without them, now that we don’t have any money left for the great and honorable institutions of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and all those things. But you can rest safe in the knowledge that you’re safe now.”
“That’s why I’m declaring today, the month of November is illegal. It’s a very bad and dangerous month, and I’m the one taking the initiative to combat it. Anyone entering the month of November, even though it no longer exists, will be considered an enemy combatant, working against our most sacred American ideals of strength, justice, and me.”
“Your thoughts, dreams, feelings and ideas are important, and rest assured they will be heard by this administration. Every day, and every night. For your own good.”
The silence of all those gathered for the address was marred only briefly by the sound of Representative Reichert giggling and clapping excitedly as he piddled his pants.
“Since the American treasury is broke, I hereby, as Commander in Chief, order McDonald’s to take over operation of our Naval fleet. Their compensation will be all the dead fish from that low frequency sonar, plus they already have lots of people who know how to use those radio headset things.”
“This was not an easy decision, but the Army will be taken over by the World Wrestling Federation, and not the NFL. You NFL people rely too much on tax dollars, and though my heart is with you, there’s none left.”
“The Air Force will be split equally between Weyerhaeuser and Massey coal, which should help them clear forests and reach the coal reserves throughout the Appalachian Mountain Range far more economically than their current capabilities. And that will help all Americans.”
“The Marines command will be turned over to the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce, mostly because they are hot bitches even if they don’t know how to dance. At least that’s what I’m told. Except for Sergeant Gunner. He’ll remain my aide, because I reward good service.”
“The rest of all those Reserves people, go to Exxon, or Saudi Arabia, or whatever, I don’t care. And would somebody go fix Asia – oh, and bring me Africa, too, while you’re at it. I mean now!”
“Oh, right, the camera. He he. Well, guess that’s about it. God bless America. He he. Did someone sneeze or something? He he. See ya around.”