Well, today I’m going to be bored – so you get the benefit of my ramblings. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything that wasn’t just quick news commentary stuff, or some kind of science-y thang.
Today I went to the dentist, though. I had an “extraction”. It was a back tooth.
So I’m sitting here now, afterward – a big wad a gauze in my mouth with blood oozing out of it, taking antibiotics, and dosed up on Vicodin – which I have never had before. That, after lots of nitrous oxide.
I can’t really concentrate to work, so what do I do? Shouldn’t really go visit anyone with bloody wads in my mouth. So I guess you’ll get the benefit of my drug and trauma induced lack of concentration…
There’s so many things that I’d like to write about – so many things going on that are tied to one another. So many reasons for hope – and so many for despair.
Hope comes from people who are willing to stand up, speak, and require truth. Despair comes from people hiding away in lies with their own agendas.
I’ve never really appreciated the metaphor of the Light of Truth until recently. Lies and deception obscure – darken. It’s actually a vivid metaphor.
A dear, dear, dear friend Johnny and I recently found each other again. It’s probably been 10 years since we last spoke. There are some, very few, people who hold Truth in high regard. For these people, daily life can be a little more challenging. Sometimes it seems that the world operates on the lubrication of lies – or at least, collective truths that exist, but are not really Truths (nor lies, in the strictest sense).
Johnny was strange. I first met him at a party I was throwing at my parent’s house – shortly after I entered university. There were three distinct groups of people there – and they did not mix. Bellevue-ish middle class, raunchy Auburn hicks, and freaky bat-cavers. It was the first time I realized that my friends varied wildly from each other.
Johnny is the type that sets something else as more important in people – something else other than the superficial identifying characteristics. He is not afraid to look at the world, to examine, question, and most of all, allow himself to feel it. He didn’t fit in any of those groups.
When you don’t fit, it’s not always a question of choice. When you DO fit, it most often is.
Johnny has always shined – that light, outside the walls. So few can even see it – yet almost all who come in contact with him are illuminated in one way or another by it.
He’ll be feeling embarassed and uncomfortable with me saying something like this about him. Because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it – that it’s not true. Not because of self-loathing, but because of humility.
But I just have to toot his horn for a minute, because he never would. And I know it could never effect his ego for me to do so. Maybe I just like making him feel embarassed.
He has a wife and kids, some property in the desert where he wants to start building. He’s asked me to come down there to live.
Remembering, there are times in our lives when it seems that the currents and forces that move us intersect in oftentimes highly disruptive confluences. Small, simple decisions, or things said, that may have far-reaching ramifications.
Our own selves, caught in our little intricacies of need, doubt, hope, fear — idealism, realism, pessimism — dharma, samsara — being.
Night skies in the desert, blazed in the depths of stars, outward toward all time.
Johnny, whom I love, and who loves me.
My mother dying – my father, living alone his last years.
What shifting in the leaves of the trees might tell?
Well, dad just got back home with big bags of soil. We’re planting radishes, carrots, onions and all kinds of herbs all around the deck up stairs. Mom made it outside for a while today.
My jaw, aches.