Married Men Who Aren’t Gay

Lately I’ve been a member of this online group for men that deals in support for men who are in heterosexual marriages, yet they are gay, or bisexual. I joined because I wanted to understand better what was going on with myself, and another man I have been involved with who was married.

At first I went in with great fascination – amazed at how many men were in this situation, or wanted to be in it. They call it a “closed-loop” relationship – where a married guy commits to a relationship with another married guy – or, less preferably, a single gay or bi man.

Whether or not they tell their wives is not important to most. The issue is, in fact, considered taboo in the group because it generates such heated words from people. The strange thing is, it’s always the guys who don’t feel they need to tell their wives that do all the shouting, even at guys that merely talk about how they have told their wives, and the various things that have happened. I think these men must feel a very strong pressure of guilt, and twist the other men’s testimonials about coming out to their wives into an accusation that they are horrible people for not doing the same.

This issue certainly is a very ethically complex one, particularly when children are involved.

Oddly enough, the majority of the men seem to be in their fifties, though there is a large splattering of ages. But they are certainly in the majority. Most have waited until their children have grown up and left the home. Most want to keep their family in tact, though some are very torn on the issue.

Of particular interest is the way they identify themselves sexually. Some men say they are gay, but they are in the minority. Most men say they have been curious, or “having these feelings of attraction”. Most do say that they’ve had those feelings for a very long time.

They are much more likely to identify themselves as bisexual, which would stand to reason, I suppose, considering their predicament.

Yet I wonder, why is it they feel so heavily compelled to act on homosexual desires, and risk so much, if they are bisexual? Almost all of them have a very deep fear of being exposed. Something is just not right in this.

Recently, a man posted that he’s changed his mind – that he just can’t deal with the “homosexual lifestyle” – and that he and his wife just had amazing sex, chandeliers swinging, etc. And that they were moving. And also, was there any man in the group who happened to live near to where they were moving…

Many feel that they need to only be with another married man – that this man would be the only man who could could understand that their families have to come first. But I know this isn’t true, based upon my own experience – I would often remind my “friend” that his family had to come first, not me.

I think, rather, that they need someone who they can remain straight with, even though they have sex together. If they are with a gay man, that means they have to admit they are gay – or at least bisexual. But if they are with another married man, then they can both remain straight. After all, you’re not gay if you’re married.

Some of the men have wonderful stories of how they told their wife everything, and their wives, though not at first, have grown to become supportive, and even allow them to have a male partner. They see little conflict.

But there are also stories of how the wife refused to accept it, and promised that she would leave with the children if he ever acted on it.

And most of the men choose to sneak. They will actually pine on about how wonderful their male counterparts are – the part of their lives that they so look forward to. And the ones that don’t have a male counterpart have no problem pining on about their dream of it, either.

The interesting thing is seeing new people join the group, who are younger – who have just entered into marriage, or who are considering it.

I wish there was some way to help them understand that they must enter into their own lives, fully as who they are, before they enter into the life of another.

I actually feel very sorry for most of these men – the majority are not happy at all. They are trapped, in their ideal dream, and/or in their hiding place. But that’s not to say that the rest of their lives is diminished – but it is to say that sexual intimacy – spiritual intimacy – is very fundamental to the core of our being. And theirs is messed up – for lack of the time to type any more…

I hope that my friend find happiness in his life. But I’m a little more than reasonably sure that he may just find mere satifaction, if he is lucky.

It’s too bad that fear can conquer love in some men.

Warm hugs

Innocence Lost

  • Door ajar

    I am a male,53 and married 32 years. I had burried my true feeling and same sex attractions for my entire marriage until just a month ago. Although nothing physical has happen, I have met someone that has opened that door and damn if I can not close it again. I need to remove the door for my own sanity and yes I fear my wife’s reaction but after all these years the emotions that were hidden can not be retained. My advice to anyone with same sex attraction, be honest with yourself up front. When the reality hits after hiding for years, the pain and emotion is so tramatic, that some people would never be able to handle it. I never thought I would have to face this but the rollerrcoast I have been on has reached the top of it’s highest hill and is now speeding downward.Being honest to myself and my wife is the only way to even off the ride. I have admitted to myself and very soon before the guilt takes me to the bottom of the hill, I know I must be truthful to everyone, but to the wife first, as this will certainly effect her life as much, if not more than mine.

  • Yeah, this is a very common story – it still amazes me. I really suggest checking out the closed-loop group at Yahoo! Groups – they have some good people there that have been through the same thing.

    I wish so much that people could be more honest. I wish so much that people did not fear non-conformity, to society or relgion. Or moreso, had more confidence in their own validity as amazing beings in and of themselves, regardless of what others think.

    To my mind, you have “paid your dues”, though I do not know why. And life never has to stop being a great discovery. And it does not mean having to abandon obligations.

    I hope everything works out really well for both you, and your wife. Perhaps you’ll both really be able to get to know each other now, after all this time!

    May your guilt turn into pride and happiness at what you’ve accomplished, and to wonder about what yet lies ahead, both for you, and your wife.

  • please mail to me i gayyyyyyyyyyyyy PLEASE

  • ok – I’m emailing…

  • I am 44, bisexual and married.

  • sam

    plz send me a movi and pic gay plzzzzz

  • hey sam – a movie and pic of what?

  • hey i want to be gay with u can i see your big dick i want to lick it ok bye…

  • Ah, if only life were so easy. But all these people scurrying in and out… 😉

  • Clinton

    Im about 2 marry a guy, im so happy!!! Im GAY!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  • lame

    gay guy are mess up they just are that it

  • Many things are “messed up” when viewed from certain angles.

    But that has more to do with the angle you’re viewing from, than it does with the truth of the thing you’re viewing.

    The world, and more, is filled with all manner of things. Who can say what is messed up and what isn’t?

    Does love between men create war?

    Maybe some things are “messed up”. 🙂

  • Thomas W

    Europe is more Free than the USA. It’s more Free for Gays also.

  • It’s so hard to say where Europe begins and ends, but yeah, I can’t argue with that!

  • josiah

    gay guys are so sexy i want to lay on one so bad!!!!!!!!!!

  • gay

    u gay??

  • gayfer

    i am NOT gay!!

  • saman

    im gay……i love about it………………

  • sexy gay

    i want gay

  • Chad

    I Just turned 30 this year. wow has the years gone bye, I once married when I was 19. The gail was the love of my heart, mind,body,soul. I never lied nor kept any secrects from my wife. she knew i was gay before i married her. After a long courtship, we both decieded that it was in our best interests too get married… I had dated a couple guys, only to be dealt with the drama of a so called “gay” lifestyle…. never the least it was like saying that it was harder to love a guy, since i am one, then to love my wife. The times that I did date, and try to enter into a meaningfull realationship, never worked out. I guess it takes honesty, truth, forgiveness, and real love to make things work in life. My wife ended up letting me go, and i the same for her. She knew that in my heart I would never be happy untill I had found the type of love with her, my best friend, soul mate, in that of another man. It has been 7 years now since the divorce, and after many attempts at finding “love with another man” I have spent the last 7 years single…. I only had tried 3 real attempts at living, loveing another man. All 3 were failures…. It’s like they had love, but when deemed with making a realationship “work”, all 3 fell short on the most important thing. compromise. It leaves a sad question in my heart, that after so many years married to another female, was I doing something wrong with any of my other mates? Then it still dawns on me, that It wasnt me in the realationships, that it was the others. small things, that guys cannot over come that get in the way of love. One of them is pride, I could make the list longer, and say other short comings as well…. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said,”I wish there was some way to help them understand that they must enter into their own lives, fully as who they are, before they enter into the life of another.” As the years go bye, it seems that with each year I get older, comes more love and respect for oneself. I think that is true with many things, especially wine. It gets better with age. lol… well guys if i havent bored you this far, thanks for reading. God Bless, and take care of yourselves. oh by the way, if any one wish’s to reply email me at: thanks,

  • Wow – that’s a pretty unique situation, Chad – having told your wife everything up front, yet still both deciding to enter into marriage.

    It sounds to me like maybe she thought you might be happy, and that she would be able to make you happy, given enough time in your relationship together with her. But in the end, the reality of the situation began to set in with her.

    It can be hard to have a relationship with another guy. It depends on what kind of guys you are. If you lean more toward the “stereotypical male” roles, there can be lots of problems like you mentioned. I think that most guys find the compromise you’re talking about, not so much in having your partner compromise, but in accepting the wider person that you are – more than just any stereotypical roles.

    There are no easy roadmaps for male male intimate relationships. Heterosexual relationships and what people expect are shown to us every day, in the people we meet, on television, in books, and even in the laws we have. Gay relationships are starting to be explored more in media, but, unfortunately, for the most part they are still dealing with stereotypes of gay men rather than just men who end up loving another man.

    Maybe it will come soon – and we can start getting a few roadmaps to follow. But it seems to me that we’re kinda out on the road ourselves, and are very lucky if we can find someone walking on a similar path as ourselves.

    That being said, idealism is always an issue. Sometimes we imagine this perfect thing that really does not exist. Perhaps it is a projection of ourselves, how we wish we could be. Maybe this keeps us from having more “successful” relationships.

    I don’t know. No road map. 😉

    But I wish you the very best in luck, and in love.

  • adam

    hii _Im adam Iwent some one be my friend a hot gay coll me in my email Iwell so happy If some one be my best friend so that is buyyyyyyyyyyyy

  • mass

    im waiting for you i want you

  • mass

    please mail to me i am gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby

  • max
  • skyler

    yes i will let u lick my dick

  • shadmehr

    i am gay

  • hehe. well, super. 🙂 let’s see… i have blue eyes.

  • Rich

    My wife knew I was gay when we got married, but seemed to forget as time went on. After 18 years of her being a very difficult woman, I recently reminded her that I gave up who I was because I loved her, but I could no longer take her abuse.
    Our relationship is now just platonic. She loves me enough to let me be me. We’re still together, but it’s only a matter of time. I need to start living for me

  • EFudd

    I think your age time frame is to high. I think it mostly men in late thirties and forties who first begin to act on their feelings. They are bisexual but on the scale most are primarily hetero, but to some degrees they like sex with other men. Some only oral, some prefer anal and some like all of the above. They enjoy sex with their wives when the wife is willing, there is a major factor.

    Many of these bisexual men may never look else where if they were well laid. One of the keep reason many begin to think of other men and or woman is what the partner can not or will not provide. Many have had bisexual feelings for some time but the married sex was great.

    Age becomes a factor and family life begins to enter into acting and growing bisexual feelings as men get older. Some men find married neighbor or a married guy at the gym and become FWB and enjoy their bisexual acts and feelings safely. Often there is very little emotion with the sex. It is more like sport and relaxing fun. Family remains the priority.

    Most never tell their wives. Many of the wives do not know or care since the guy stops bothering them for sex. The guys that tell over overwhelmingly face trouble in their marriage. Even if the wife has not had sex with the husband often for years. They think the husband is gay. Most do not understand bisexual men.

    Many heterosexual and gay people do not understand bisexuality. Gays think it is men in denial. Hetero people do not understand bisexual can enjoy both sexes. It can vary percentage wise from week to week or year to year.

    By far the majority of bi married men have their family and wife as the priority. They do not wish to ruin that part of their lives. Most as mentioned want some safe bi sex with a friend. There have been a lot of golf trips, fishing trips and hunting weeks that also included sex.

    Maybe some day people will understand bisexuality and understand it is about mostly the sex, not emotions.

  • EFudd

    Gay or bisexual? Did you not enjoy sex with your wife?